A Civil Action

Everyone knows that there is no good way to break up. There's just no good way to tell someone you are sick of them/ready to move on/etc. or hear such things being uttered to you. 


However, friends now inform me that there is a good way to break up a "dating relationship." A dating relationship can exist anywhere from two dates until six dates. (After six dates, if you are aren't sure you want to be in a relationship with person, you have issues with co-dependency or commitment, and I would recommend a self-help book.) Now, what is the proper protocol concerning a dating relationship? I conducted a brief informal survey and find that the below is actually appreciated by your date-ee (See Adam from other entries). 

• After a first date: a brief text informing datee that you are 'busy'/going out of town for a while/want to just stay friends 
• After two dates: a longer text mentioning any of the above, with an added "it was nice to meet you"
• After three dates: An email outlining very briefly and in the least harsh way possible why you are better off "friends." This can include white lies. Examples that I've used include "I'm having some issues with an ex right now" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" or finally, "I think that you need someone who is more ______ ."(insert adjective.
• After four dates: An email if you're shy; a brief telephone call outlining the above can also suffice. Remember that the longer you've been dating, the better your reasons need to be (lace them with sugar) for not seeing this person again.
• After five dates: Call them up and give them a damn good reason. If you can't think of one then you need to come up with a really good one-the ex thing usually works; getting back together with whoever works; say that you are anti-marriage; anti-relationship; celibate; whatever. 
• After six dates: you are breaking up, in which case there is really not a good way to break up (see above). 

Utilizing these steps, you can have a civil break-up. Friends have reported staying friends with people they have dated; passing them on to other friends (one woman's junk is another woman's treasure); or at least ending things with some dignity. And as Adam told me later, he both respected and appreciated that we took the time to say bye, wish each other luck, and agree that we were both pretty freakin' awesome people.